Friday, November 13, 2009

there is always a lot between the lines

Today, Friday, November 13th, is Dad's birthday.  He would have been 69 years old.

(I love this pic of Dad and me on the St John River trip 1984.  He looks like a tough cop...and I look like the world's biggest tomboy)

Oh, it has been an emotional week for some reason, I have a lot on my mind...  I am sure it is compounded by the fact that today is Dad's birthday.  It seems that when this date (and the date he died: Jan 28th) rolls around each year it brings the emotions in my heart to the surface, and I feel pretty raw and exposed all of a sudden.

I was realizing there is so much that I don't say on this know, sometimes I leave out the real "guts" of my life. I show you what I want to show you...  I often think of this when I read other folks' blogs...what's REALLY going on.  It is difficult to read between the lines...  There is a lot between the lines, you know.

(I took this picture in the Fall of 1996.  Mom, Dad, Auntie Kathy and Uncle Mark on the Allagash.  I have such fond memories of this trip.)

(Dad's chest was so puffed out on a very proud day when his oldest and youngest graduated college in 2000.)

(My 2nd birthday!  I have to say my baby Astrid looks a little like her Mama in this picture.)

(December 18th, 1987)

So what is really going on inside, you wonder?

I have had a lot a lot a lot on my mind lately...  One person who has been on the absolute forefront of my mind is my cousin Kim.  She is fighting triple negative breast cancer and currently is in the hospital due to complications of her treatment (I hate that I feel so powerless to help her and her family.  I hate cancer.  But I truly believe she will beat it!  She is too ornery to have it any other way!).  She is an inspiration to me in every sort of way.  I find it strange that it is when you have such a war going on (against cancer) that you can see people for who they really are.  She is an amazing woman.  Mother of twin 8 year old sons, wife to a great guy named Andy, nurse, and many other things.  My thoughts are with them all the time.

Something else life has thrown our family.  Jeff has two brothers and both of them are going through divorces, right now.  (We haven't seen Astrid's cousins for almost two years and she has never met some of them.  Divorce sucks.)  Just the other day I was crying at the breakfast table and Astrid didn't even know what to think. 

I have two siblings who lost their jobs due to the economy, still looking for an income. 

My mother and sister can't sell their homes... 

It's a lot, and it's scary, and it feels good to write it down and put it out there to the universe, and try to let it go.  Life is messy and my family is no different.  I have my own worries, I feel powerless sometimes, but I know that every family has some form of this.  If I look around I can find someone else who has it much worse.  It doesn't make me feel better, but it does help me know that I'm not alone.

Those are the biggies in a nutshell.  Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what is going on in my own nuclear family that it is difficult to see how I can help ease what is going on in my extended family...although they are never very far from my thoughts.

This is what's between the lines in my blog lately.  What's between your lines?

Well, I hear my babe in the other room, waking from her nap, so I gotta run.

Happy birthday, Dad!  I know you are with us, today.  Especially Mom.


Anonymous said...

I hear you. It is a sad, complicated, scary, depressing, unfair world at times. Sometimes you have to let it out. You are such a truly good person, who has the ability to be optimistic and see joy and beauty in the most simple everyday world. Some people only see in bleak, all of the time.
You make me smile. Thanks for sharing the guts. I'm certain your dad is so proud of you.
Happy Birthday to him.
Prayers to all in your life.
Tammy B

Dietlind said...

I applaud your bravery Elizabeth. I think about this same stuff too, friends who are struggling, the effect the economy has on all of us, illnesses several people close to me are struggling with...It's so important to be able to let it out, own it, and keep it real. You and I are both optimists and sometimes people misunderstand that, perceive it as putting a positive spin on things, refusing to deal with the hardness of life. I think it's just the opposite. It's being able to face the hard stuff completely that increases my gratitude for life, for my friends and family, for my home and partner and health. Thanks for sharing what's between your lines.